John Lennon And The Meteoric Rise Of Pro Vercelli

Lennon said `I'm an artist. You give me a fuckin' tuba and I'll get you something out of it.' – Frank Costello, The Departed

The international break rolls around every year at this time. Every year, just as title races all across Europe kick into overdrive and every game, every second, every action begins to have season-defining consequences, the international break pops up and disrupts the flow. For the avid football fan the phrase “international break” holds the same level of dread and apprehension as “surprise audit” or “tax return” in other walks of life.

So said fan is forced to go elsewhere to find his fix during the international break blues. Somehow the idea of Aaron Ramsey and Jack Wilshire going head-to-head in a glorified friendly just doesn’t cut the athletic mustard for the discerning fanatic. The success or lack thereof of the Rooney-Carroll partnership is not going to cause many sleepless nights. So this week I plunged myself into the digital ether in order to find a cure, a patch, something to tide me over until the Milan derby and the resumption of the Champions League.

What I found was genius. Although he is a well-known figure in the Twittersphere where he resides, the name Brian Phillips is unlikely to elicit more than a bemused expression and a mumbled reply along the lines of “Wasn’t he that actor from the sixties? Yeah, he was on ITV all the time when I was a lad.” This is a tragic state of affairs because, rather than playing Mike Steele in “Inside Job” Phillips is actually the editor of Run Of Play and a contributor to Slate magazine in the U.S.

I had been aware of Phillips work for some time and shared the sentiments of Chris Mann of Equaliser Blog fame when he said that Phillips “wrote one of the greatest sporting essays ever written” about the phenomenon that was Pele. However that was not what kept me riveted to my seat until nearly dawn, getting repetitive stress injury from going click, read, scroll, read, click. It wasn’t even an essay about a real person, place or club. It was the Football Manager universe. Everything was fictitious but read like the Brian Clough autobiography that never was. As Nicholson’s Frank Costello stated, give an artist anything and he can get you something out of it. While innumerable hacks sit pouring over drab ideas, Phillips has created a genuinely gripping series from a computer game. An entire narrative has been constructed and the people given real personalities. The coaches to games are the scenes of emotional trauma and joyful elation as little details flesh out this brave new world.

The story of Pro Vercelli’s progress from the lowest depths of Italian football to the giddy heights of European football was an exceptional read. With all the verve and dry self-deprecation of true great, Phillips reports on his journey with the provincial fallen giants in Football Manager. Of course it helps to be familiar with the insanely detailed world of the FM’s where the phrase “Letting the side down” is more than just a throw-away phrase, it summons up a wealth of experiences. Remember that time you took your bedraggled and desperate team and, with one speech, sent them out as tigers baying for blood?

But even if one is a newcomer to the world of FM, Phillips long-running series captivates to the point where missing sleep is preferable to missing the next instalment. Surely he should have seen Ibanez was never going to cut it in the unforgiving environs of Serie B? But he managed to unearth gems like Jose or Fabrizio “The Red Baron” Barone so surely the man knows what he’s doing.

His ascent through the leagues is supported – tolerated? – by his wife Siobhan who consents to cooking dishes from the Piedmont region of Italy as celebrations for his virtual successes. She details exactly what she does for her husband, hunting down various obscure ingredients to ensure authenticity as his managerial genius deserves. Never mind the incompetent fumblings of Walter Colombo, the real assistant in Vercelli’s meteoric rise is one S. Phillips. Andy Gray and Richard Keys, eat your hearts out.

As I read the adventures of Pro Vercelli, the familiar itch to challenge myself against this amazing game re-emerged and, as an homage to the wonderful Vercelli team that conquered all in its path, my new game was started as rivals Casale from the same region. We have endured a mediocre start to the season but from small beginnings and all that...

Brian Phillips and Pro Vercelli: http://www.runofplay.com/category/vercelli/

Champions League Quarter-Finals Reaction

Those pesky Germans hey? Always ruining it for others. Both Schalke 04 and Bayern Munich screwed me in the round of 16. Out of my eight predictions, six were proved correct but Schalke (by being too good) and Bayern (by being so poor) ruined a perfect sweep. Nevertheless, I shall continue undaunted and confidently make wild assertions about the Champions League Quarter-Finals.

Real Madrid vs. Tottenham Hotspur – Whatever happens against Madrid, this season has been truly incredible for Spurs. Redknapp and his boys have been the most exciting team to watch in the entire tournament. However, the outlook doesn’t look promising for their next European adventure.

Against AC Milan the Londoners were able to set a tempo that the Italians couldn’t match at times, particularly in the first leg. Yet the Rossoneri still managed to boss much of the tie and the Italian press claimed that Allegri’s team were very unlucky to exit. Both sides had serious injury concerns which influenced the result but with Gareth Bale ready to resume action alongside Modric, van der Vaart and Lennon Spurs certainly possess the pace and technique to trouble Madrid more than Lyon did.

However the forces of Mourinho looked rather tasty in the last round and the attacking quartet of Ronaldo, Ozil, Di Maria and Benzema or Higuain will almost certainly be too much for Gallas et al to deal with. If Spurs can return from Spain with something to fight for then they will stand a chance. The danger is likely to be getting spanked in the Santiago Bernabeu and rendering the second leg irrelevant.

Prediction: Real to establish a dominant lead in the first leg and finish the job at White Hart Lane

Chelsea vs. Manchester United – A repeat of the 2008 final. Prepare to hear that factoid again and again and again over the next few weeks. Neither side has really hit top form yet but United are still top of the league and that remarkable ability to grind out results might just decide the tie. With the second leg at Old Trafford Ferguson will feel happy enough to rely on United’s phenomenal home form to see them through.

Chelsea still haven’t quite adapted to playing with Fernando Torres but there is time before they take on United to tinker and try and square the circle to accommodate him. A lot will depend on the tactical approach Ancelotti takes. Anything other than a win at home will make progress very difficult indeed. However Chelsea have a big Indian sign over United at Stamford Bridge and will feel confident about getting a result to defend.

United for their part will be fretting over a serious defensive crisis with Rio Ferdinand, Rafael da Silva, Jonny Evans, Nemanja Vidic and John O’Shea all struggling for fitness. At the other end of the pitch the prospects look brighter though. The return of Antonio Valencia provides a cutting edge and directness that has been missing while Rooney is finally returning to top form and forming a very dangerous partnership with Javier Hernandez.

Prediction: A very tight affair, but United should just about squeak it. The most difficult tie to call

Barcelona vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – The Ukrainian side are very much dark horses in this tournament and the only Eastern European side left. But the strength of this Barcelona side is just unreal. Like a lead weight on a rubber sheet Guardiola’s side distort the entire competition as nobody else can approach their brilliance.

There is very little else that can be written about how excellent Barcelona are but Shakhtar should not be underestimated. This has been a very impressive season for the Miners so far and other sides will be relieved not to have drawn them. The trip to Ukraine is long and difficult. The Catalan fancy-dans will want to establish a strong lead in the first leg because the possibility of a surprise in the Donbass Arena should not be ruled out.

Prediction: Real shame to see the back of this Shakhtar side but this Barcelona side are freaks of nature and will set up a tie against mortal rivals Madrid. In the words of the immortal James Richardson: “Woof!”

Inter Milan vs. Schalke 04 – The final tie sees the champions taking on the now managerless German side. Leonardo is hardly known as a tactical genius but this Inter side are simply better than the Royal Blues. Furthermore the players look like they are really enjoying their football under the Brazilian.

Still, the way that Bayern cut them to ribbons at times in the last round doesn’t bode well for later rounds. Under Mourinho Inter would never have displayed the tactical naivety to give away three goals and a host more chances. Inter should beat Schalke fairly comfortably but going against either Chelsea or United will probably be a step too far for them.

Prediction: Inter will get to the semi-finals but Champions League retention will remain elusive as they crash out in the semi’s. Those pesky Germans hey? Always ruining it for others. Both Schalke 04 and Bayern Munich screwed me in the round of 16. Out of my eight predictions, six were proved correct but Schalke (by being too good) and Bayern (by being so poor) ruined a perfect sweep. Nevertheless, I shall continue undaunted and confidently make wild assertions about the Champions League Quarter-Finals.

Real Madrid vs. Tottenham Hotspur – Whatever happens against Madrid, this season has been truly incredible for Spurs. Redknapp and his boys have been the most exciting team to watch in the entire tournament. However, the outlook doesn’t look promising for their next European adventure.

Against AC Milan the Londoners were able to set a tempo that the Italians couldn’t match at times, particularly in the first leg. Yet the Rossoneri still managed to boss much of the tie and the Italian press claimed that Allegri’s team were very unlucky to exit. Both sides had serious injury concerns which influenced the result but with Gareth Bale ready to resume action alongside Modric, van der Vaart and Lennon Spurs certainly possess the pace and technique to trouble Madrid more than Lyon did.

However the forces of Mourinho looked rather tasty in the last round and the attacking quartet of Ronaldo, Ozil, Di Maria and Benzema or Higuain will almost certainly be too much for Gallas et al to deal with. If Spurs can return from Spain with something to fight for then they will stand a chance. The danger is likely to be getting spanked in the Santiago Bernabeu and rendering the second leg irrelevant.

Prediction: Real to establish a dominant lead in the first leg and finish the job at White Hart Lane

Chelsea vs. Manchester United – A repeat of the 2008 final. Prepare to hear that factoid again and again and again over the next few weeks. Neither side has really hit top form yet but United are still top of the league and that remarkable ability to grind out results might just decide the tie. With the second leg at Old Trafford Ferguson will feel happy enough to rely on United’s phenomenal home form to see them through.

Chelsea still haven’t quite adapted to playing with Fernando Torres but there is time before they take on United to tinker and try and square the circle to accommodate him. A lot will depend on the tactical approach Ancelotti takes. Anything other than a win at home will make progress very difficult indeed. However Chelsea have a big Indian sign over United at Stamford Bridge and will feel confident about getting a result to defend.

United for their part will be fretting over a serious defensive crisis with Rio Ferdinand, Rafael da Silva, Jonny Evans, Nemanja Vidic and John O’Shea all struggling for fitness. At the other end of the pitch the prospects look brighter though. The return of Antonio Valencia provides a cutting edge and directness that has been missing while Rooney is finally returning to top form and forming a very dangerous partnership with Javier Hernandez.

Prediction: A very tight affair, but United should just about squeak it. The most difficult tie to call

Barcelona vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – The Ukrainian side are very much dark horses in this tournament and the only Eastern European side left. But the strength of this Barcelona side is just unreal. Like a lead weight on a rubber sheet Guardiola’s side distort the entire competition as nobody else can approach their brilliance.

There is very little else that can be written about how excellent Barcelona are but Shakhtar should not be underestimated. This has been a very impressive season for the Miners so far and other sides will be relieved not to have drawn them. The trip to Ukraine is long and difficult. The Catalan fancy-dans will want to establish a strong lead in the first leg because the possibility of a surprise in the Donbass Arena should not be ruled out.

Prediction: Real shame to see the back of this Shakhtar side but this Barcelona side are freaks of nature and will set up a tie against mortal rivals Madrid. In the words of the immortal James Richardson: “Woof!”

Inter Milan vs. Schalke 04 – The final tie sees the champions taking on the now managerless German side. Leonardo is hardly known as a tactical genius but this Inter side are simply better than the Royal Blues. Furthermore the players look like they are really enjoying their football under the Brazilian.

Still, the way that Bayern cut them to ribbons at times in the last round doesn’t bode well for later rounds. Under Mourinho Inter would never have displayed the tactical naivety to give away three goals and a host more chances. Inter should beat Schalke fairly comfortably but going against either Chelsea or United will probably be a step too far for them.

Prediction: Inter will get to the semi-finals but Champions League retention will remain elusive as they crash out in the semi’s.

We Can't COPE If Everyone Is Yelling

It finally happened. With all the inevitability of another Rocky movie, the Spanish media have once again upped the stakes. This time it was the Madrid based radio station Cadena COPE that broke the story that Real Madrid have requested stricter doping regulations from the Spanish FA (RFEF). The inference is that other clubs are benefiting from using performance enhancing drugs. And when we talk about Real Madrid and other clubs all we really mean is Barcelona. Although Valencia have also been implicated, the major target seems to be the Pep and his Golden Boys. COPE’s story was in essence a circumspect accusation that Barcelona has been doping it’s players.

Both Barca and Valencia have of course denied this very strongly and unless COPE or Real Madrid have any evidence then the story is likely to die here. Despite controversy surrounding both Spanish cyclists and athletes, it seems more than a little far-fetched that the players of either club have deliberately taken banned substances. Mundo Deportivo and Sport (two Barcelona-supporting papers) have declared their outrage and accused Florentino Perez and Jose Mourinho of creating this smear campaign against the Catalan club.

Now while it would make me feel better to know that Leo Messi is actually a drug-fuelled monstrosity whose skill comes in easy-to-swallow pill form, it doesn’t seem likely. In any case it would probably constitute the first time ever that a club had given players drugs to make them shorter. The more surprising fact is that it’s taken this long to get to this point. AS, Mundo Deportivo, Marca and all the other Spanish sports papers have been building this war for years. Cristiano Ronaldo has been awarded by goals by Marca that even the RFEF has declared an own goal in the papers manic drive to see the Portuguese forward given the Pichichi (top scorer) over Messi. They also feature a “corrected” table which is supposed to represent what the table would look like if all refereeing decisions were 100% right. Guess what, Madrid are only one point behind as opposed to seven. But wait, Barcelona had a legitimate goal disallowed against Sevilla last weekend. Did Marca give Barcelona an additional two points which they would have gotten with correct decision? Take a guess. The other major Madrid daily AS actually went as far as to photoshop Athletic Bilbao defender Koikili out of a picture to try and show Dani Alves as offside in the build up to Barcelona’s opening goal.

Both sides are so virulent in their attacks on the enemy that it wasn’t long before one side would accuse the other of doping. After all they both accuse each other of bribing the referees and other clubs of not trying. Although he was talking about the much more serious issue of the Gabrielle Giffords shooting in Tucson, Arizona Slate’s John Dickerson was 100% right when he said that if “Everyone [in the media] is already supercharged and yelling then nobody is going to listen, they’ll just yell louder.”

I don’t wish to cheapen the events in Tucson, but the point is still relevant. The dailies in Spain are so partisan, so biased and so crazed that facts are being jettisoned in any situation they don’t support the arguments being made. In such an atmosphere, it was inevitable that the issues of bribery or doping would eventually be brought up. The best that can be hoped for is that the threat of legal action preserves a tiny bit of sanity. But as the stakes between the two giants continue to rise, the chances are that more stories like this will emerge, casting sleaze over some of the best football the world has ever seen.

Been There, Read That, Bought The Narrative

In football there are some certainties that crop up as sure as night follows day. Sepp Blatter will continue to act like a complete clown, guzzling free champagne while bringing the game into disrepute through his disgusting incompetence and corruption do a sterling job to promote the beautiful game in all countries, working hard for the betterment of mankind through football. Referees will continue to be insulted and attacked despite doing a very necessary and important job by managers seeking an easy target. The duopoly in Spain will continue to grow until the entire planet serves as the footballing equivalent of salt mines for our new Iberian overlords.

The latest addition to these certainties is that any tie between Manchester United and Manchester City will be represented as a “potential shift in power in Manchester” by the media. Much like the other inevitabilities in football, forcing every Manchester derby into the same narrative is immensely tiresome and silly.

Manchester City are undeniably a club on the rise. Barring an extraordinary end to the season they will be in the Champions League next year. But a power shift is not something that happens on the basis of one game except in very unique circumstances. Beating United and then potentially Bolton or Stoke to win their first trophy in 35 years would be a big step forward for the Blues. Yes, United have vast mountains of debt and some key players on the verge of retirement, not to mention the inevitable retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson one day.

But the same United are top of the league, have just beaten their closest rivals in the FA Cup and are in a reasonably strong position to make it into the Champions League quarter-finals. So even if Manchester City rise to the point where they are serious title challengers year on year it doesn’t mean that they will actually supplant United merely that they will become rivals for trophies.

The problem is that all of this has been said before. Every single time the two clubs play these days the cliché about power shifting is trotted out as though it represents an analysis of what this game means. We know that Manchester City are on the rise. It doesn’t need to be said every single time they play United. Please, just give it a rest.

The fact is that the narrative is too good to be ignored because it fits any circumstance. If United dominate then they have “sent a message” but if their lucky then its “experience and the sign of champions”. Meanwhile any City victory will be greeted with “the real arrival of the Abu Dhabi revolution”. Whoever wins out of the pair, it doesn’t need to be played out as “a reassertion of dominance” or “uppity neighbours challenge status quo”. Sometimes a game is just a game and it would be nice to enjoy it without a tired and familiar media narrative being dusted off weeks in advance.

Top Klopp First Stop For Bayern Manager Spot

Remember being back at school? There was always that kid who’d obviously been injected with some potent mix of human growth hormone and steroids to have become the rampant behemoth that would roam the corridors taking other peoples things and laughing as he smashed stuff? Other than stirring some repressed memories of a nervous time, there is a point to this tortured metaphor. Germany’s very own testosterone-addled giant is on the lookout for a shiny new manager and they’re going to steal one. The board of Bayern Munich have announced that Louis van Gaal will part company with the club at the end of the season sparking the traditional speculation about who Real Madrid-Lite will replace him with.

The thing is, there is only really one stand-out candidate. The man who’s team thrashed Bayern 3-1 in their own back yard. The man whose side is so dominant that they’re making the rest of the league like droopy-eyed, armless childen as pharmaceutical rep Charlie Sheen would put it. Jurgen Klopp has created something quite extraordinary at Borussia Dortmund. Not only have Dortmund established a 12 point lead with nine games left to play, they’ve done it with flair and panache. A truly exciting crop of youngsters have blended into an unstoppable juggernaut under Klopp. Mario Gotze has been one of the stories of the season but others like Nuri Sahin or Shinji Kagawa have been superb.

Enter the Uli Hoeness et al. Bayern Munich have a slight problem with not winning the Bundesliga. Anyone who witnessed van Gaal’s speech last season might just notice a small superiority complex. While Louis van Gaal needs no assistance in indulging in a little megalomania, Bayern are attuned to his brand of egotism and therefore will be disappointed not to get their man. Michael Corleone’s brand of disappointment.

While “Bigger Club Steals Smaller Club’s Manager” is not a headline to stop presses, there must be a palpable sense of frustration around Dortmund. Each of the big leagues has had its stand out team this season to challenge the big boys. In Spain Villarreal have been a joy to watch, ditto Napoli in Serie A. In England Spurs are engaged in a thrilling three-way race for the two remaining Champions League places with Manchester City and Chelsea. But only in Germany will the smaller club be crowned champions. Hardened by a title victory and aware of their ability, this is a Dortmund side capable of being rather special. Instead the rumours linking Kagawa and Gotze with moves to bigger clubs have already begun while van Gaal leaving means that Klopp will no doubt be offered a very tempting move to the Allianz-Arena.

It seems very unfair to refer to Dortmund as a smaller club than Bayern, because they are in no manner a small club. Dortmund have won titles both domestically and in Europe. But Klopp will know better than anyone that the side at Dortmund is unlikely to stay together for very long when the elite cabal come sniffing around. Given that his stock will never be higher and that at Bayern he would have access to resources and players that Dortmund simply can’t afford it looks like Klopp might be made an offer he can’t refuse.

Jose Mourinho: Come At The King

“You come at the king, you best not miss.”

While the connection between HBO’s The Wire and Jose Mourinho is tenuous at best, watching Omar slaughter Stinkum and maim Wee-Bey is eerily reminiscent of the mauling at the Camp Nou. As Wee-Bey limps away from the scene, hurt and humiliated, it is not hard to imagine that the pain of the last El Clasico burns almost as badly as a bullet to the leg. Pep Guardiola is hardly as menacing as Omar but some Madrid fans would happily have dropped Sergio Ramos a la Stinkum themselves after his insane dismissal. And now with not only the second league fixture but the Copa del Rey and the possibility of encountering each other in Europe Jose has to do what he has managed at every other club he’s been at: do something genuinely special. After all, as Juande Ramos said, Madrid brought in Mourinho to beat Barcelona “because we [himself and Pellegrini] were beating everyone else.”

But, as recently pointed out by the excellent Equaliser blog Mourinho seems to be ever more morose and dark in his press conferences. The accusation was that the man who used to come out with quotes that would have the British press swooning in the aisle like bridesmaids as the male model of a groom walks by “now come[s] across only as...a very bitter man.” There is no denying that there have been problems between The Special One and The Special Club.

The story goes that Mourinho and President Florentino Perez were walking around the Bernabeu and Perez stopped by the trophy cabinet and remarked that he missed the European Cup. Mourinho replied that so did he and he had only won it several days ago. After Jose made the Nerazzuri’s triumph over Bayern Munich ever so slightly hollow by jumping ship to Real Madrid there was a collective pulling together round Europe. Fans of all affiliations got the sense that finally, after six years of not getting past the round of 16, Madrid were back. They had the team, they had the money and most importantly they had the man. The man who wins wherever he goes. The man who has been unbeaten for nine years at home now. The biggest winner, the best manager, the man who’d beaten Barcelona. Mourinho and Madrid seemed like a match made in heaven.

But there is no club quite like Madrid. Or at least that’s how Madridista’s see it. And all the achievements happened at lesser clubs. You may have two Champions Leagues but we’ve fired del Bosque and he’s done that and got a World Cup as well. The fact is that Madrid have already sacked better managers than Mourinho. Pellegrini led Madrid to their best season ever in terms of points and was sacked. Vincente del Bosque won the Champions League and got sacked.

The image of Mourinho that we remember from his time in England was a youngish manager with a wry smile, cracking jokes, making outrageous claims and crushing the competition. That man seems to have vanished beneath a surly siege mentality that stems from being asked to do the incredible. Because everywhere Mourinho has been he has done so. Delivered the real deal. At Porto he won a Champions League that (on paper at least) he had no right to win. He then brought Chelsea their first league title in fifty years, never mind all the other domestic trophies. Finally he took Inter Milan to the Promised Land. And, unlike the Porto victory, Inter winning was no fluke. Jose out-thought all comers to lift the trophy including, vitally for Madrid, the seemingly-invincible Barcelona side.

While many people are irked by the arrogance and audacity of calling yourself The Special One, there can be no doubt that at Porto, Chelsea and Inter Milan Mourinho did do special things. At Madrid there is only one special thing he can do. Beat Guardiola’s Barcelona. And not just in a one off match. Madrid are now ten points behind Barcelona, albeit with a game in hand which is due to be played tonight. A win at the Bernabeu in the league won’t make up for the five goal thrashing. Madrid need to beat them in something that matters. The Copa del Rey would be nice but to save their season Madrid need to win the Champions League or be the ones to prevent Barcelona winning it. Over two legs, on the biggest stage, Mourinho needs to prove his specialness again. There are two games against Barcelona left, with a potential two more should the meet in Europe before the final. If Mourinho doesn’t manage something special against the Golden Boys in at least one of the cup competitions left then his reputation, built over nine years of trophies and home brilliance will take an astonishing beating.

The pattern has always been Barcelona chasing Madrid. Even when they won titles, they weren’t Madrid and both sets of fans knew it. Liverpool might not have won a title in 20 years but until Manchester United drew level on league titles, the fact was both knew who was the most successful club in England. Even now United lag behind on the European stage and it burns. But, like Cruyff’s side briefly, Guardiola has altered the dynamic. Now Madrid have the complex about striving vainly to beat Barcelona. And the pressure on the players and on the shoulders of Mourinho is a crushing weight unlike anything before. Nobody thought Porto could win the Champions League. Chelsea never had the true expectations of champions before the Portuguese arrived and Inter were never supposed to be able to go all the way. Jose has delighted fans because he does what they dare to dream might just happen. At Madrid he has to do it because it’s what is demanded, not what is dreamed of. What is dreamed of is not something that can be done.

Mourinho has been given some time and leeway because he is perceived as special. But as Jorge Valdano explained to Simon Kuper Madrid is a club constantly in search of a lost identity. A footballing version of the American Dream where Alfredo di Stefano still haunts the minds of Valdano and Perez. The two men yearn to rewind time and recreate the glory years of Madrid. The club that was the best, had the best players and played to best football in the world. The club that was indisputably the club. Bringing in Mourinho is part of the vision but the utter humiliation earlier this season was unacceptable. It wouldn’t have happened in di Stefano’s day. So the fact is that however special The Special One is, he isn’t as special as di Stefano. Whatever he achieves is never going to be good enough for men who have a fixation with the club of their fathers.

Mourinho is going against Guardiola and that is already a titanic battle. I will tell my children that I saw those El Clasico games. That I saw Messi and Xavi and Ronaldo and Kaka. But Mourinho can beat Barcelona on the pitch. He can never beat di Stefano. Because di Stefano would have done it better. At Real Madrid di Stefano is the king and when you come at the king, you best not miss. Except this time, the king can’t be hit.